Our Demons are Allies

The video I've attached to this post is, for me, a daring and vulnerable example of my perfect messy self, in my personal evolution, throwing ideas at the wall to see what sticks. More importantly, it represents a moment in time when the action of making it and sharing it exposed one of the gnarliest demons in my hoard. One that has been threatening to destroy me with every step I've ever taken. Every desperate attempt to outrun it only emboldening it further. In exposing it I realized that it was, in fact, an ally that had been serving me relentlessly since I was a child. An ally that was saving my true self from my false belief self that said I was a piece of shit, walking meat bag loser, waste of skin, fundamental failure of a person.

I realized it was keeping me from falling completely down the hole of despair that I believed was waiting to swallow me. It chased me relentlessly, nipped at my heals, drove me forward without pause, stole satisfaction from me upon completion of a task, made me believe that enough was never enough. It was ever at the ready to shove me into the next 'to-do' long before I finished the previous. Truly, what an awesome, powerful, super-general of an army of shadows, to have in my service.

We played a game of cat and mouse for a couple days after that. With the help of Jenny, I named it: “Do-Do the To-Do Demon”. At that point it was fully exposed. It didn’t know what to do because it had a very specific job and that job was seriously in question. Later, in a moment of clarity, I asked it to turn around and look at the thing that was driving it forward, just as I had turned to face it, I asked it to face the thing that had brought it into existence, the thing that it had sworn to protect me from... and there was nothing there. Tears streamed down my face. We’d been in a collective race this whole time without realizing that the moment that brought Do-Do into being had long since passed. The predator had long since given up its prey. The scene we were faced with upon that turning was a beautiful spring day, it was a peaceful meadow with rivers and mountains far in the distance… a perfect place for a picnic. In that moment, we decided on a new job for Do-Do. I’m STOKED for us.

This is the process of the work. Every demon, every darkness, every struggle, every denial, every repression, every DON'T GO THERE, every terrifying knock at the door of our mind is an ally waiting to be discovered. Fear your demons, for that is what they require, but don't let that stop you from facing them. Because when you do, I promise you'll discover that they are aching for a new job; one that is creative instead of destructive. They are so tired of carrying the weight of your trauma, but they will.... until the very end. That's how loyal they are. That's the level of sacrifice they are willing to make. They are integrated in opposition, but only to save you. They are integrated in darkness, but only to ensure that what light you think you have left continues to shine. What would your life look like if you convinced these allies to put down the mantle of demon, and take up the mantle of angel? I'll put ridiculous odds on it resulting in the best life you've ever known.